Pain, pain go away!

I guess that super-hero Halloween costume I have been designing will have to be put on the back burner for now. The ability to fly, climb walls, or shoot lasers from my eyes due to the radiation that I have been submitting myself to just has not materialized. In fact, it hasn’t even lessened the pain in my lower back.

After three treatments, the pain is just as prevalent as before. I have grown weary of the chronic pain that starts in my lower back and shoots down the leg of its choice. I tire at the ache that I feel in my right shoulder. The numbness in the front half of both my feet because of the chemo-induced neuropathy is just plain old. Because my children sometimes read this blog, I will Disney-ify my pain rant language. Chronic pain sucks!!

It really affects my work productivity. I don’t sleep as well. And, as Anna will testify to, it really affects my mood. I was hoping for some quick relief from the radiation sessions, but I guess I may have set my hopes too high. Now my thoughts shift to the more drastic: will it work at all? Because this is a one shot deal. Due to the toxicity I can’t have this procedure done again down the road. This is our one shot at eliminating the cancer in the back and returning me to feeling once again like a 39 year old should feel.

I shudder to think that if it doesn’t work that I am condemned to live out my natural life with this back pain. Or the alternative of upping the pain meds until my liver or my stomach give out.

But I tell myself, "Just chill." I am not even one third of the way through the treatment yet. Give it time. Let the photon beams do their job. I was just so wanting there to be some progress by now.