Acceptance

In one of my earlier blog posts, I made reference to the stages in the Kubler-Ross model grief cycle in which the last stage is acceptance. At what point can a person look their own mortality in the face and accept it? At what point can they reach an inner peace with the fact that their days on this earth are near an end?

In movies I have seen characters that are about to enter into a situation/battle/conflict that they know is sure to spell their demise and they have a look of panic on their face. Just a few mere moments later, a sense of calm replaces that panic and they muster up the courage to go face their death. What happens in that instant where one moment they are trying everything to avoid death, and the next they are at peace with the fact that they are going to die? I realize that this is Hollywood and a gross oversimplification of the whole ordeal, but how does one make that final transition to acceptance? Even Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane asks the question. "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me." Even though he would go on to accept his death, Jesus doesn't want to die.

Things didn't go as well as I had hoped this past week down at MD Anderson. What I thought was bony pain of an arthritic nature was revealed by the scans to be many different metastatic bony tumors. My pain was not being caused by the old tumors healing but by new tumors growing. The radiation oncologist basically said there isn't anything he can do for me. There are simply too many spots to treat. Even if he did treat them, all it would do is knock them back a bit and alleviate some pain. It wouldn't kill the cancer there and it would inevitably grow back. And the radiation is a one shot deal.

I am trying like hell not to give up, but at what point do you start working on the acceptance thing?