Thursday, May 20, 2010

It's nice to be me again

This last go-around with chemo was my third dance with the nasty chemical cocktail and you think that having gone through it twice already, I would have learned by now. I am referring to being aware of how I am going to feel and to my physical status the week following my chemo treatment. I am going to attempt to describe it to those who have never experienced it.

The chemo that pulses through my veins literally puts me into a drug-induced stupor or almost even a trance. Other than irratibility, I feel little emotion. No joy, no happiness. While I might have one coherent thought at a time, putting together a chain of lucid thoughts is a no-go. I try to work, but cannot focus long enough to really accomplish anything of substance. And that just adds to the frustration. I rotate from room to room in the house until each place becomes uncomfortable. And I can't go somewhere because driving for me would be dangerous. Movies are bland and provide little repreive other than to pass the time. I realize that is literally what I am doing - passing time.

And forget what you see in the movies where the hero, after being injected with some serum, manages to will himself to focus and overcome the side effects long enough to break his/her bonds and defeat the bad guy. No amount of adrenaline or will power can lift the veil that clouds my whole person.

I am passing time. And it is only the passing of time that offers any solice that this too shall pass. This go around it happened about 4am while I was sitting on our living room couch, unable to sleep. Even though it was too early in the morning, the sun came out in my world and I experienced an emotion that had only been gone for a week but felt so much longer: happiness. When that chemo cloud lifts, it is like night and day. Lucidity and clarity return, but most of all I like the happiness. To experience the full range of emotions instead of just the dark side.

I realize that for the week after chemo that the person in the mirror "isn't me" and that there is nothing I can do about it. But it sure feels good to have that cloud roll back and be me again.

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