Still Fighting

When you're 38 years old and you hear from your doctor that you have stage 4 cancer and the prognosis that comes long with that news it really sends your world spinning. Emotions run wild, everything from anger to utter sadness flood your world. I must admit, though, that as time has passed I have become more detached from those emotions. They say time heals all wounds and the six sessions of chemo with 3 weeks in between each session seemed to be doing the same for me. The thoughts of my own mortality seemed to fade, diluted to a faint memory. My mind changed gears back over to thoughts of work and household projects that I wanted to complete. I guess though that I didn't realize all those emotions were in fact not gone but just hidden below the surface.

Because of our schedule we hopped in the car at 4 am on Thursday morning in order to get my visiting sister-in-law down to Love Field for her flight out and to get me down to MD Anderson in time for my first appointment. A little later in the drive with me at the wheel and the rest of my family catching some more zzz's this song by Alan Jackson comes on my iPod. It is a song about a life cut short and I just lose it. Tears start streaming down my face. I guess those emotions are still there and very real.

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

It reminds me that I am still fighting for my life and how scary that is. Something that I seemed to forget a little bit over these past several weeks.